Following dots…

Posted on August 20, 2010 by bodhimitta

I was looking up anatta today in a Pali dictionary, wanting to see the root word, which I supposed would be something like atta or a derivative of the Sanskrit word ātman.
Turns out, the Pali word is attan, which has the alternate spelling atta. Atta has a separate listing and the second definition is attan but the first definition is “that which has been taken up, assumed”.
So, instead of pondering anatta, not-self or non-self, I sat for a bit with the idea of self as that which has been taken up. From dependent origination, first there was ignorance and from this ignorance a thought arose and self was created and self re-creates self and thus there is birth and rebirth and another round of suffering.
But, this self I have taken up, this big ego balloon I keep breathing life into, is not permanent, not substantial, not worthy of attachment, clinging or dependence. Where then is this substantial self?
In teachings, the phrases often used are “not this, not that”, implying “I am not this. I am not that”. But, these leave the question, “I am… what?” Perhaps a better phrasing is “this is not self; that is not self”.
The Buddha lived in a world where the Hindu teaching of atman would be prevalent, that there is a higher Self that is one with Brahma and which is, joined with Brahma, all-pervading and ever-present. Perhaps the Buddha asked, where is this Self, this atman or atta? What is it that can overcome the law of impermanence, anicca, and be this supra-mundane Self? Not this, not that. There is no Self. Thus I might understand the teaching of anatta to emphasize that there is no thing which can be said to be the everlasting, profound self.
Yet, I am not comfortable with this perspective. I rather say I cannot know of things supra-mundane, I can only know this mundane self and the suffering here and now, and try to let go. Let go of clinging and craving and suffering and struggling. Put down this atta I have taken up. Let go and let the fires go out. Let go and know equanimity. Let go and know peace.

About bodhimitta

Professionally, I have had several primary careers in life, starting with a dozen years in the U.S. Army in the Military Intelligence field, then some years as an electronics technician in both the civilian and defense industries, and finally computer software, where I have been engaged for about 25 years. My first serious attempt to adopt a spiritual path was in 1987 as a result of life gone awry and an attempt to get myself back on track. This took me to forms of Christianity, with which I did not connect well, and after a few years I left this path. By 2001 I was bitter, demoralized, at odds with the world and everybody in it, including myself. Reaching a breaking point, I again threw myself into an effort to change my life. Being willing to try anything, I investigated several religions, studying their scripture and practicing their ways to one extent or another. Eventually this led to Hinduism and meditation, and seeking meditation training led me to Buddhism where I finally found my spiritual home. My path is born out of suffering and the Buddha speaks to me. I have been committed to a Buddhist path for 10 years, studied the Pali canon for several years under the guidance of a Buddhist teacher, and sat a number of formal Vipassana and concentration meditation retreats and private retreats, the longest being 5 weeks in private retreat. I've made pilgrimage and spent months experiencing the history and culture of Buddhism in several Asian countries. I believe strongly in practice as a part of life and meet several times a week with people who have an ongoing, engaged practice. My experience is that teachers are found in centers, sangha is found in living rooms, and the dhamma is found in life.
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